The Quote Thread

[Crystal M. V. Rosepaw]

I do not have the book in front of me, so these are probably not right totally...! D:

"You know the yogis?"
"I know Yogi Berra. And Yogi Bear."
"I meant the monks."
Rawlins and Dresden from Proven Guilty.

"Do I have mud on my boots?"
"... Molly. You have a tattoo that you probably used a fake ID to get, and enough piercings to set off any metal detector worth the name; in parts of your anatomy that your parents wish you didn't know you had, no less. Your hair is dyed in colors I previously only thought existed in cotton candy, and you're dress like Frankenhooker. I wouldn't worry about a little mud on the boots."
Molly and Dresden, same book.

Friend: Oh, I see you took your lip rings out.
Me: Yeah. They rejected. Badly.
Friend: Did it hurt?
Me: ... My lip swelled up so big that I could hardly open my mouth. I couldn't see the ring at all. I had to pour half a bottle of peroxide in my moth just to be able to touch it without screaming in agony. I had to use pliers to get it out of my mouth.
Friend: So it hurt?
Me: ... Shut up.

Sidney: ... Jessica! That Maid plot was awful!
Jessica: Was not! We rode over a river on a magical demon hippo, went to wonderland, and saved an adorable werewolf kid from Edward Cullen by dropping a house on his sparkly vampire self!
Matt: ... I agree with Sidney. That was awful.
Myah: You have to say meow at the end of your sentences, Matt! D:
Chris: We're not in character any more.
Myah: Oh.
Jessica: D< Fine, Whitney, you do something! All you did the entire time was act like House!
Me: My character is supposed to...
Jessica: Still. You make a plot this time.
Me: Fine. Uh... So the master was walking outside when he gets bit by a dog and comes back inside. We made sure he didn't have raibis, and then just took care of him. After that, his hair grows very quickly and he eats lots of steak - uh, rare at that.
Jessica: ... Mine was better.
Me: Shut up, was not! So the maids start goofing off one day while they have something to do, looking in the encyclopedia an-
Elena: HEY! *censored* is in this encyclopedia!
Me: ... Shut up! And they come across 'werewolf.' They figure out the only way to uh... Cure his werewolfism-
Chris: That's not a word.
Me: It is now.
Sidney: I know how to cure it! You inject him with monk's hood!
Me: Uh. Where did you hear this?
Sidney: Ginger Snaps!
Me: Works for me.

[Ketom Longstaff]

Okay, my friend and I were working on some questions in geometry, and here's a short conversation that had me laughing for the rest of the period:

Me: Okay, question four. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, define a square.

Friend: A quadrilateral with four sides.

Everyone burst out laughing that heard it... except my teacher, he only laughs at his own jokes.

[Shard Prime]

"They misunderestimated me."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass... a literacy test."

"I understand small business growth. I was one."

All from the grandmaster of Bushisms himself, George W. Bush.

[Lazy Seki]

"Please, don't hurt me! I'll tell you anything you want to know!"

"Really? What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"

"...What?"

~Ferret and John Keel/ Sam Vimes, Night Watch

The wonders of the Discworld. Ah.

[Shard Prime]

"Oh.. My... God, that guy has a tornado! IT'S A TORNADO! *runs*"

-Terry from Reno 911

[Mark Silverarrow]

Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Well, this is a temperate zone
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Am I right?
King Arthur: I'm not interested!
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard: It could be carried by an African swallow.
King Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
Soldier with a keen interest in birds: Oh yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Second Swallow-Savvy Guard: But then the African swallow's not migratory...

King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[trumpets play a fanfare as the camera cuts briefly to the sight of a majestic castle]
King Arthur: [in awe] Camelot!
Sir Galahad: [in awe] Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: [in awe] Camelot!
Patsy: [derisively] It's only a model!
King Arthur: Shh!

Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: Go on. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sir Robin: That's easy.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
Sir Robin: I don't know that.
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
Sir Robin: Auuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Stop. What... is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Galahad: Blue. No, yel...
[he is also thrown over the edge]
Galahad: ooowauuuuuuuugh.
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I... I don't know that.
[he is thrown over]
Bridgekeeper: Auuuuuuuugh.
Sir Bedevere: How do know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Knight : We are the Knights who say... NI.

King Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[the Black Knight doesn't respond]
King Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[no response]
King Arthur: I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot.
[no response]
King Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[no response]
King Arthur: You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy!
[attempts to get around the Black Knight]
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass!
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it!
[they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight's left arm]
King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't!
King Arthur: Well, what's that then?
King Arthur: I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
[they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight's right arm]
King Arthur: Victory is mine!
[kneels to pray]
King Arthur: We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy -
[cut off by the Knight kicking him]
Black Knight: Come on, then.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you!
King Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!
Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound.
King Arther: Look, stop that.
Black Knight: Chicken! [kick] Chickennn!
King Arther: Look, I'll have your leg. [kick] Right!
(Arther chops the Black Knight's right leg off)
Black Knight: Right. I'll do you for that!
King Arther: You'll what?
Black Knight: Kill Ya!
King Arther: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arther: You're a looney.
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.
[King Arther chops the Black Knight's last leg off]
King Arther:
Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw. Come, Patsy.
Black Knight: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
One of the best British comedy tropes ever. Really liked the 'Spam' skit, too.

[Elip]

Sorry if I got the point of this conversation wrong, but I think we're trying to make eachother laugh...here's a garfield comic that made me laugh! HAHAAA! XD

[Mark Silverarrow]

I really like this quote. Also, this is my motto.

"Don't worry; Be happy."- Meher Baba

[Crystal M. V. Rosepaw]

"And would you stay right here, if I told you someone out there loves you after all."
^ Favorite line from a My Chemical Romance song... It doesn't have an offical name yet, but... It's fan-titled 'Stay Awake.'

[Crystal M. V. Rosepaw]

Okay, so... I had a parrty the other night (and you all weren't invited! D<) and... At four in the morning, we all dressed up like idiots and decided to go to a nearby gas sation to see what people would do...

I was an emo kid, David... went for scene, but ended up looking transgender, Dakota was scene, Katie was a punk rocker, Sidney was a preppy girl, and Matt was... sorta a skater but sorta emo. ... We were bored. D:

Anyhow, we get there, we all pile out of Sidney's crappy car, and walk inside... Acting like the highly stero-typically, obnoxious verisons of what we were dressed as.

Random guy: Fu- It must be Halloween in here.
Matt: *sighs and flips hair dramatically* God. I hate Halloween. I hate you guys. I hate everything. *everyone walks away from random guy* ... I especially hate that guy. I hope he dies.
Me: Gosh, you're such a downer. I'd say I like that about you, but I don't like anything. And if he died, he'd be seeing our souls. Because our souls are black and dead.
Katie: Hardcore!

Dakota: Oh my god, it's a rainbow cupcake!
Me: *sigh* It's a brownie with candies on it. It's nasty. I hate it. *hair flip*
Sidney: Shut up, emo kid, nobody likes you.
Me: ... I know. Gosh.

David: *sort of prances up to pay for his drink* Hi~
Cashier: ... Uh. *refuses to look at him* *awkwardly scans drink, trying not to focus on the horrible bright fushica eye shadow and badly applied mascarra* Uhm. There you go..
David: Thank you~~ *skips away*

Me: *walks up to the register* *sigh, puts drink on counter*
Cashier: Is this all for you, honey? *somewhat concered voice*
Me: *sighs again* ... Yeah... *stares at badly painted grey nails*
Cashier: If you're sure. *scans drink*

I am so writing my first psychology paper about that. xD